The Hole in the Bottom of the Pool.

The pool had just been put out on the deck.  She was in her new swimsuit, with her new watershoes on. She and her little brother were laughing and splashing in the sun.

Then she found it.  A leak in the bottom of the pool.

"THIS IS THE WORST DAY EV-ER!" She cried loud and then worked hard at keeping the pool full with her tears.

I called her inside, I teased, I coached,
She finally giggled then proceeded to go  back outside.

She took one look at the pool , started thrashing around and shouting "WORST DAY EV-ER" all over again and vindictively splashed her brother.

When I called her in the second time and told her to sit and think about it on the mudroom (aka my pottery studio) step.  She threw one of my tools angrily onto the floor.

That is the point where I lost my temper. It had been a week of tempers flaring for her, and irritation for me.

I disciplined while angry as I walked her to her room.

When she got there she started a new phrase;, "WORST MOMMY EV-ER!"

I was at the end of my rope, my senses, and my mind.

I thought why is she flying off the handle over such a little thing?

Then I remembered myself in an emotional rage at the same age and wondered, "How can I even help her? I did the same thing."

Luckily Ted walked in the room then from mowing the lawn.  The poor tired man listened as I relayed the story.  Then went to talk to Dorathea about self control and his love for her.

I sat tortured by the thought that her anger is all my fault.  And maybe if I were a better child, or could figure out as an adult how to stop this cycle, I wouldn't be disciplining while in anger now.

And maybe I don't discipline her enough...

And maybe I don't love her enough while I discipline...


Then I saw a drawing that Jonathan had taped to the deck door this morning.  It was a blue hole on a green rectangle.

I heard a rational voice in my head say, "She has a hole in her that only I can fill..."

"Stop trying to fill it yourself."

Dorathea is not broken, or depressed, or unrestrained and undisciplined.

And I am not these things and I wasn't as a child.  I am and was very emotional.  I feel a lot.  I feel enough for everyone around me (and many times I know exactly what they are feeling too).

A little aside; I have four sisters and most of them are very sensitive in their own ways too.  Their was so much EMOTION and Sensing of those emotions in my house growing up.  "She's LOOKING at me like that again MOM!".

I clearly remember a night of crying, feeling so struck down and misunderstood at 13.  I closed my eyes and listened to music letting the tears fall for hours, and praying , "If you're there God...I need you to love me."  I saw a man with his arms outstretched welcoming me into them.  Love and relief rushed in.

Many times this can pin me to my bed.  Feeling so cast down with emotion.  In the moments before He fills me with truth, I can feel like I'm in pain, like something is wrong with me.

But being emotionally sensitive is not a hole in my soul.

Sometimes even now when my feelings overwhelm me, my husband reminds me (as he ducks from whatever I am throwing his way) that it is a blessing and not a curse.  "You pray for people before they tell you what is wrong because you can feel it, Allison."

He's right, just today I came home from a whimsical grocery shopping trip (I saved 30 percent!)
I was in domestic bliss.
When I walked in the door and greeted Ted I felt suddenly sad and tired. I thought "I was fine a second ago. I feel this way because something is up with Ted."  I asked how he was feeling and he said, 'I'm afraid I am going to disappoint people with some things I'm working on.

God was telling me that I can't think I can fill all my child's needs.  I can love her to my best ability but I can't fill the space He made in her heart  for His love, she was made by God to be loved by God.

I cried when I realized  that I should know this because my own super-emotional crisis's have been when I have yelled out to Him for help. When I have given over to Him the steering of my life.  I knew my family and friends couldn't fill my need to be accepted and loved, because after they had tried and failed over and over again to make me feel loved I was still  so shockingly empty.

So He answered by telling me that He could love me deeper than my need.  One tear filled night in my teens I asked God, "If your there....please help me."   It wasn't the first time I had cried out to him, but on the night I closed my eyes and saw Jesus with arms outstretched welcoming me into them, and for the first time in a long long time my heart was full.

When Ted came out of a long talk with Dorathea I asked him what he said to her.
He said, "She told me she was sorry for yelling at you, and I told her she needed to pray when she felt overwhelmed by her feelings.  I told her God would understand and help her."

He said the same thing God said to me,  There may be a hole in the bottom of the pool in this flawed world and in my heart made of flesh  Only God has enough love to keep our pools filled.

"1From the depths of despair, O LORD,
I call for your help.
2Hear my cry, O Lord.
Pay attention to my prayer.
3LORD, if you kept a record of our sins,
who, O Lord, could ever survive?
4But you offer forgiveness,
that we might learn to fear you.
5I am counting on the LORD;
yes, I am counting on him.
I have put my hope in his word.
6I long for the Lord
more than sentries long for the dawn,
yes, more than sentries long for the dawn.
7O Israel, hope in the LORD;
for with the LORD there is unfailing love.
His redemption overflows."  Psalm 130

Like  "Anne of Green Gables" some of us feel the depths of despair.   But "redemption overflows" when prayers from those depths are answered.

- Allison

Hike to Bald Knob

This is one of our favorite hikes.  The last time we got to go on it was when my  seven year old was a new born.   

Bald knob trail at Mountain Lake goes straight up through a windy, and shady path, several fern forests, and some giant boulders you get to climb over.   We climbed up 1,000 ft in the half mile hike up.  

At the top of the hike you get a 180 view, hawks flying below you.  (Don't worry Grandparents, we never let go of their hands unless they were sitting well away from the edge.)

 We were surprised that Jonathan didn't just keep up, he kept ahead of us.

We don't go hiking as much as we used to (which was nearly every weekend back before we had kids and when we had a newborn)

Lately we only go about 4  times a year to easier, more level hikes.
A lot of the time we would have to turn back early because they would start whining or crying half way in.

But on this day with the kids so excited about climbing a mountain, we realized that we have raised hikers!

 Jonathan made this "Map to Anywhere"  to help us on the hike.
He made sure we stayed on course.

 We took Bald Knob Road back making a loop hike.  The road  was covered with wildflowers and butterflies (and two snails!).  The road is a more gradual descent so we don't hurt our knees(adults), or fall down the steep rocky path(kids).

 They had a great time our little mountain climbers!
We are so proud!

The Lake in May

We made it to the lake early this year, a couple of times before they opened.  We had it all to ourselves!  Even got to watch the park rangers pick up giant logs of driftwood as we swam.  

I realized this year that when Jonathan was asking to go to the beach any sandy body of water would suffice.

  Then I decided we should go to the lake more.  So this year we've been going to the Radford Library ( I love that place!) and then heading off to Claytor Lake which is 20 minutes south of there around 5pm with a dinner picnic in tow.  

 

 That's what it looks like to have the beach to yourself in May at sunset.

This is the beach at noon in June;

Still fun, but not as relaxing.

Let me know if you want to join in!
                                                      -Allison

Peacemaker

    A month ago as was play fighting with Ted in the study. Jonathan, (who is only 3 ft something and wiry) jumped between us arms outstretched between us and said, "STOP!".

Earlier that day he had asked me to tie his blue fleece blankie onto his back superhero style.  So I tied it around the front of his neck and asked him "What is your superpower?"
He said, "I can't know".

And I really did wonder what superpower might be inside this little boy.  What would be his gift that would save the world?

So after he broke up the scuffle between my husband and I, I swooped down and picked him up in my arms. I told him, "I know what your superpower is!"
"You are a Peacemaker!"

He grinned with that little twinkle in his eyes.

Then he leaned toward the bookshelf still in my arms, pointing and said, "I get that."
So I took a step toward the bookshelves and he grabbed something from it and said,
"Puh, Puh, Puh....Eeeeee.... It peace mommy"

And it was

He picked up a wooden word, "peace".

I thought about how we pick up names.  Good and bad names.

I have unknowingly picked up many bad names for myself along the way
I might name myself fat because of where my body weight is charted on the  BMI index.
I might name myself unimportant because I can't see how I'm affecting the world for good.
Or maybe I name myself lazy because the tasks on my list don't all get checked off...ever,

Or maybe my friends and family nicely or not so nicely give me names like, "unemployed, too-leinent mom, weird, head in the clouds."

Then, even worse, I grab hold of those names.
And so they become me.

"As a person believes in his heart, so is she" -Proverbs 23:7

Sure my wonderful family and friends speak the good stuff over me almost all of the time.
But it's God with the still small voice who made me, He's the one that really knows me.

When the ones I love echo His names for me, they confirm the truth about who I am,

But best of all when I quiet my the ugly names and reach out my empty hands,


Then the One who loves me most of all Names ME,
Tells the truth about ME,
the truth about how he loves ME.

"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!"- Psalm 139:17

So I grab them; holding onto the truth,
And then I become that name, because I heard my Father call me that.

Jonathan had the word Peacemaker spoken over him (by me)

He reached out for that name

Then took it into his hands

As long as he holds onto that word (in his heart), it is his name. 

"Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called sons of God."-Matthew 5:9- 

He's a peacemaker, my superhero saving the world one fight at a time.
and he makes a darn good ketchup sandwich too.
                                                                                                   - Allison

Update 7/13; Jonathan decided his superhero name is "Spiritboy". "Bwecouwse I wisten to God's Spirit.  Everyone have a spiwit, but I have Gowd's spiwit because I Spiwit Boy!". Go spirit boy go!

Mother's Day 2013

 Last night I was frustrated.  I asked myself why I devote 24/7 to homeschooling and homemaking.  What's the point of spending myself with no pay and what I thought was little good to my family.

Then I woke up to chocolate covered strawberries delivered from my little sister (and a mommy herself).  Mmmm, I had a chocolate covered strawberry breakfast! 

Ted gave me a card that made me cry it was so sweet, and gave me more chocolate (that I used as decoy chocolate so I wouldn't have to share the strawberries, shhh.)

 I thought about skipping church because I still had a self-pity hangover from the night before.  

Then bam! 

Church today was completely dedicated to honoring moms and helping them know they are seen and honored by God.  So I cried a lot (again).  

I realize now Saturday night had been an attack on my decision to spend these years investing in my kids.  

Feelings of worthlessness and the things I lack in this season of my life covered up the truth. 

The truth is I am a (see photo below);

I have a wonderful (24/7, intense, life changing, really hard and sometimes near impossible, occasionally disgusting) job.  

The truth is I am paid by the honor the Lord gives me.  That Honor cloaks me like a queen's robe.  

It makes what I do beautiful.

 After church, in the most beautiful spring day of the year, my kids set a beautiful table for a Mother's Day Picnic.

I made the food, and they decorated (and asked if they could eat my chocolate incessantly).

After lunch I handed Jonathan the camera, and he took my picture;

That's what I look like from Jonathan's view.  He also took pictures of my shadow.  Which is funny because he is my little shadow.  He will often come find me saying "I'm a lonely!".

Here's little Peter Pan's shadow self portrait;

His photo of the treetops;

and our picnic;

Then Dorathea took over the camera and photographed me.

She had busied herself in the craft closet as I told her Lunch was ready saying,
"Mommy you can't hurry an artist."

"Actually you can." I said

"But it doesn't work very well."  she countered.

5 minutes into lunch she brought out her creation saying, "Sorry Mommy. I couldn't fit in 'Mother's Day.'"

But I think it was prophetic.

 She was naming me.

I am a Happy Moms.

  I kissed her and told her this was even better, because it's who I am.

Galatians 6:9 

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

Thank you for Mother's day my little family!-   Allison

Dorathea's Woodland-Fairytale Birthday Party

When I was little my favorite way to play with friends was to pretend to be a fantasy character.  My favorite toy was a pink My Little Pony castle and I imagined the unicorns and me living in it together up in the clouds.

When I was in high school I painted a picture that said, "Once upon a time" across the top in gold.  It was a misty view of a distant castle as seen from a forest.

Later in college I did a more serious illustration that said, "Once upon a time a princess was troubled by the world she would inherit",but by then it was serious "real art" you know (wink).

It is no shock then that my little girl choose (really on her own) a fairytale theme for her 7th birthday.  When I asked her to describe the party I said

"Once upon a time" and she picked up, "..lived a unicorn named Dorathea and a prince named Jonathan. The prince decided to throw a birthday party for his best friend."
And the stage was set for a fantastic party.

I debated as I spend hours and days preparing for the party.  I even prayed about whether this was a worthwhile use of my time. I felt like God was saying;

"You are delighting in your daughter, and that's your most important job as a mom.  She will only have a seventh birthday once, celebrate her/with her to the fullest!".  

I also debated a fairytale theme.  There are a lot of dark parts of those old stories.  But as I prayed about it God reminded me of those castles and "Once upon a times".  As a girl I was yearning for a supernatural place in a castle in the clouds, now I understand my heart was yearning for heaven.  In my girlhood

God was illustrating in my imagination the place he has prepared for me, a place we could hang out, a place more real than real life.  
He was setting my heart on an ever-after life that he alone could satisfy.

That's important because I want my little girl to know the way to that ever-after life too.  Because
I still "pretend" to visit that castle now.  And when I go there I am visiting my Heavenly Father.

So here is the fantastic scene I set for a little fairy princess, and like a fairy godmother, I orchestrated a wonderful party.  I completely spent myself setting it all up.  But it was soooo rewarding, the best use of my time.  Here I am playing pretend with my daughter;

The cake!  I used D's toys and let her put them on the cake herself. Perfect job for her.

 The princes are getting ready!

we found Mr Frog Prince in a garden bed and gave him a toilet paper-roll crown.  

The Toadstool was also excavated from the garden and D and J helped me give it a fresh coat of paint. 

 The fairies have prepared their own birthday feast for the birthday girl.

 Look closely.  This is a miniature tea set, gazebo, and banner, in a fairy garden.  (I iced a cupcake to look like a fairy sized cake)

 She planted most of the fairy garden herself. What a fun way for a child to garden!

 This was one four storybook clues in the Unicorn treasure quest.
I made the signs with scrap wood and silver puff paint.  They make a fun permanent addition to my garden.  The other treasure hunt signs read; Fairy Garden, Frog Prince's Toadstool, Tigerlilie's TeePee, and Dragon Rock (which was guarded by wonderful young James in a dragon costume).

  The food table.  Make your own trail mix in the baskets with toppings in the little chest of drawers.

 wooden castle turned into a cup and napkin service

Alice In Wonderland  inspired, "Drink Me" Lemonade

  tree stump chairs for a woodland feel.

 The Knight and Faerie princess are ready for guests!

 The guests are here!!!

 This is Kate, Dorathea's new friend

Jonathan and friends questing

King Daddy hugging his princess

Thank you Dorathea for letting me enjoy girlhood again as I celebrate you,

and Thank you God for caring enough to show me where you were in my own girlhood.

I hope this day, and this seventh year will be as beautiful a memory for Dorathea as it is for me.  - Allison