Good Gifts (In a Painful World)

That Sunday was the car breaking down twice and none of the Keys family making it to the Christmas dinner because I forgot to drive the truck home.  Dorathea cried for an hour about missing the dinner and Ted and I had a heated discussion.  Then after the heated discussion was over Ted’s mom called.  “Happy Anniversary!” she said.  Anniversary?  Neither of us had remembered.

Really there have been lots of moments spent enjoying this season with my family this year. But, under the surface my spirit has been fighting for the joy of the season.  There have been so many sad things I’ve seen happen this year, people that have died, and evil has pushed at people I love and made us all tired.  Made me tired of pain and weary of the battle to persevere in spite if it.

But then a star day came.  I marked a star on the calendar each week in December.  These stars tell my kids they can open an early present. 

I picked the first week’s presents carefully: little Playmobile sets, one of a Pirates for Jonathan, one of a Pegasus chariot for Dorathea,both from Ted's parents.  

Dorathea was overjoyed.

Then she realized it wasn’t a Pegasus chariot, (a tragedy for the girl who hopes to be a Pegasus someday) it was just a plain old horse chariot.  

Slowly her tears began, they went on, and on, not whiney and loud, just terribly disappointed.  I held her and sighed,

“Oh God is this when they are not satisfied with the little joys I work hard to give them?”  I asked mentally.  There was the pain of this world again, present even when we celebrate.

I told Dorathea to pray about whether she wanted to take it back to the store.  A minute later she said, “I am going to keep it.”

She said, “Here Jonathan.  Won’t your pirates like to have these horses?” Handing him the horses from her set

Then looking at me, “That’s what God told me to do.”

My jaw dropped

Her face lightened and she began to put her set together enjoying the joy of her brother and the choice she had made.

I had been disappointed like Dorathea.  So I got the message He gave to her;

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

God was working in her. In her weakness, her disappointment as she leaned on Jesus.  She did something strong because of that.

The gifts of love I give on the painful days, show the strength of the one who never stops loving me. 

“And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12

I was the joy set before him. 

He choose to join in our pain by living and dying with us. 

He hated, (“scorned”) the pain, But he loves me.

He gives me good gifts in the midst of this world that supercede it’s pain.

I sat with D after she made her choice and helped her rig up a pegasus she had to the new carriage with pipe cleaners (I heart pipecleaners).

 “Look the carriage is even bigger and nicer than the pegasus one would have been!” I said.

And thought, “And we got to put it together, together”

So when I shake my fist at the pain of the circumstance I want verses the plain old disappointments I have, I know He smiles leans in and shows me how to put it all together with pipe cleaners. 

He and I laugh at the gifts he gives that are always perfect and laugh at this world’s circumstances which are always like opening something you don’t want.

Too bad I can’t take my circumstances, the car that doesn't work, the disappointments all back to the toystore.

I'm ready for a really good gift now God. 

  “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?

“If you then, with all your human frailty, know how to give your children good gifts, how much more certainly will your Father who is in Heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!" Luke 11:13

Merry Christmas!

Woolwine Apple Orchard Field Trip

Toward the end of September we had an amazing tour of a beautiful apple orchard with some other homeschoolers.  I.ve wanted for a couple years now to do a field trip a month.  Why homeschool if you aren't going to get out into the beautiful world and learn from it?  I managed to mostly sequester school to the inside of my house however, until few friends put together some great field trip plans for this year and opened it up to others families.  Yay!  Answered prayer!

 One of the three brother-owners telling us about his orchard.

 Handed the camera to Dorathea. She did well!

 Picnic lunch after we picked.

Dorathea surprised me by washing ever single apple and putting them in the fridge when we got home.  

Our friends the Barkers who we rode with on the drive up the Blue Ridge Parkway.

My fridge is still full of apples.  I see apple pie in the near future!
Thank you Shannon for putting together this great day.

The Jellybeans

The sermon Sunday was on Diligence.  My mom had come to visit us for the weekend and was sitting beside me, that was lovely.  I've haven't been able to hear a sermon or worship for a month.  It felt so good to sit by my mom and worship.  Sometimes I struggle with messages like "diligence" though.  This one was delivered without guilt but I found myself thinking over and over,

"Am I diligent enough?". "What have I finished in my life anyway?"

I didn't feel like I was finishing anything well as a housekeeper, and with children's ministry, or any work I do.  I tried to get off my merry go round of guilt and ask God
"What do you think? Am I at all diligent?"
I felt like I heard a "Well done" so I stepped away from the circling accusing thoughts and tried to put my mind at rest.

The next day Dorathea was working on writing schoolwork.  She was supposed to copy a long sentence from the book she was reading, "The Adventures of Jimmy Skunk".  Dorathea's had a great attitude about second grade this year.

Until yesterday, when she had an emotional meltdown.  After some bad behavior and consequences (I'll spare you the emotional details ) I prayed for her and asked
"Should I discipline her? How can I get her through the lesson?"
God said
"Just listen to her."

So I listened the way God listens to me.  I called her to sit close to me and tell me what was wrong. She lay her head on my lap and poured her little heart out.

"Mommy I had that jumping spider toy to help make copywork fun before. (she had invented a game with a novelty toy that popped up to see how many letters she could write before it popped.)

"I miss that spider!
I don't know how to make this fun.
It's just too hard and I'll never finish!"

I thought about giving her a normal adult answer that work isn't always going to be fun as I frown down at her.
I told her about the sermon and said that
"God wants you to persevere in tough situations like that."

"But I don't know hoo-ow" she replied.  So we brainstormed about ways to make it through the assignment and I finally said,
"How about we make it a game by giving you a jellybean for each word you get right?"
This was greeted with a big smile and a nod.  Off she went to finish the assignment happily enjoying the jelly bean game with no more prodding needed.

I've been in need of jelly beans to get me through a season that feels hopeless.  Many times I don't see an end to the seemingly impossible finances, housework, and long lists of failures that stretch in front of me like that long sentence did in front of D. That's why God gives me jellybeans.

Since yesterday I've been looking for them.

These gorgeous yellow leaves that are full of fleeting joy. Yellow Jellybean

A friend I reach out to when I am feeling hopeless who puts her arm around me and with a few words lets me know I'm valued and that she is behind me.  a big Jellybean

Yesterday when Dorathea put her head on my lap and I could (by the Grace of God) help her solve the problem.  a pink jellybean

Last night driving home We saw an orange crescent moon, and then fireworks as we pulled into our town. We stopped the car and watched, windows open, fall air pouring in, watching them light up the dark sky.  Jelly bean

With each jelly bean I'm now hearing, "Good job.  Keep going.  I'm proud of you. I love you so much I'm giving you this one sweet moment."

"Taste and see that the Lord is Good!
Blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him!" Psalm 34:8

Today I overheard this conversation between Dorathea and Jonathan;

D- "Come on Jonathan! We can perservere!"
J- "Yeah Siser!  We perservere!  We not give up. We can do it!"

Those people who listen to me, and then cheer me on, they are my favorite jelly bean.
Actually I don't like jelly beans, those were for Dorathea.

I like coffee
When I pour out my heart to God and tune my ears to listen to His voice, thats a warm, sweet cup of espresso.

"I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.
He freed me from all my fears. 

Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces. 

In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;
he saved me from all my troubles. 

For the angel of the Lord is a guard;
he surrounds and defends all who fear him. 

Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!" Psalm 34 verses 4-8

The Hole in the Bottom of the Pool.

The pool had just been put out on the deck.  She was in her new swimsuit, with her new watershoes on. She and her little brother were laughing and splashing in the sun.

Then she found it.  A leak in the bottom of the pool.

"THIS IS THE WORST DAY EV-ER!" She cried loud and then worked hard at keeping the pool full with her tears.

I called her inside, I teased, I coached,
She finally giggled then proceeded to go  back outside.

She took one look at the pool , started thrashing around and shouting "WORST DAY EV-ER" all over again and vindictively splashed her brother.

When I called her in the second time and told her to sit and think about it on the mudroom (aka my pottery studio) step.  She threw one of my tools angrily onto the floor.

That is the point where I lost my temper. It had been a week of tempers flaring for her, and irritation for me.

I disciplined while angry as I walked her to her room.

When she got there she started a new phrase;, "WORST MOMMY EV-ER!"

I was at the end of my rope, my senses, and my mind.

I thought why is she flying off the handle over such a little thing?

Then I remembered myself in an emotional rage at the same age and wondered, "How can I even help her? I did the same thing."

Luckily Ted walked in the room then from mowing the lawn.  The poor tired man listened as I relayed the story.  Then went to talk to Dorathea about self control and his love for her.

I sat tortured by the thought that her anger is all my fault.  And maybe if I were a better child, or could figure out as an adult how to stop this cycle, I wouldn't be disciplining while in anger now.

And maybe I don't discipline her enough...

And maybe I don't love her enough while I discipline...


Then I saw a drawing that Jonathan had taped to the deck door this morning.  It was a blue hole on a green rectangle.

I heard a rational voice in my head say, "She has a hole in her that only I can fill..."

"Stop trying to fill it yourself."

Dorathea is not broken, or depressed, or unrestrained and undisciplined.

And I am not these things and I wasn't as a child.  I am and was very emotional.  I feel a lot.  I feel enough for everyone around me (and many times I know exactly what they are feeling too).

A little aside; I have four sisters and most of them are very sensitive in their own ways too.  Their was so much EMOTION and Sensing of those emotions in my house growing up.  "She's LOOKING at me like that again MOM!".

I clearly remember a night of crying, feeling so struck down and misunderstood at 13.  I closed my eyes and listened to music letting the tears fall for hours, and praying , "If you're there God...I need you to love me."  I saw a man with his arms outstretched welcoming me into them.  Love and relief rushed in.

Many times this can pin me to my bed.  Feeling so cast down with emotion.  In the moments before He fills me with truth, I can feel like I'm in pain, like something is wrong with me.

But being emotionally sensitive is not a hole in my soul.

Sometimes even now when my feelings overwhelm me, my husband reminds me (as he ducks from whatever I am throwing his way) that it is a blessing and not a curse.  "You pray for people before they tell you what is wrong because you can feel it, Allison."

He's right, just today I came home from a whimsical grocery shopping trip (I saved 30 percent!)
I was in domestic bliss.
When I walked in the door and greeted Ted I felt suddenly sad and tired. I thought "I was fine a second ago. I feel this way because something is up with Ted."  I asked how he was feeling and he said, 'I'm afraid I am going to disappoint people with some things I'm working on.

God was telling me that I can't think I can fill all my child's needs.  I can love her to my best ability but I can't fill the space He made in her heart  for His love, she was made by God to be loved by God.

I cried when I realized  that I should know this because my own super-emotional crisis's have been when I have yelled out to Him for help. When I have given over to Him the steering of my life.  I knew my family and friends couldn't fill my need to be accepted and loved, because after they had tried and failed over and over again to make me feel loved I was still  so shockingly empty.

So He answered by telling me that He could love me deeper than my need.  One tear filled night in my teens I asked God, "If your there....please help me."   It wasn't the first time I had cried out to him, but on the night I closed my eyes and saw Jesus with arms outstretched welcoming me into them, and for the first time in a long long time my heart was full.

When Ted came out of a long talk with Dorathea I asked him what he said to her.
He said, "She told me she was sorry for yelling at you, and I told her she needed to pray when she felt overwhelmed by her feelings.  I told her God would understand and help her."

He said the same thing God said to me,  There may be a hole in the bottom of the pool in this flawed world and in my heart made of flesh  Only God has enough love to keep our pools filled.

"1From the depths of despair, O LORD,
I call for your help.
2Hear my cry, O Lord.
Pay attention to my prayer.
3LORD, if you kept a record of our sins,
who, O Lord, could ever survive?
4But you offer forgiveness,
that we might learn to fear you.
5I am counting on the LORD;
yes, I am counting on him.
I have put my hope in his word.
6I long for the Lord
more than sentries long for the dawn,
yes, more than sentries long for the dawn.
7O Israel, hope in the LORD;
for with the LORD there is unfailing love.
His redemption overflows."  Psalm 130

Like  "Anne of Green Gables" some of us feel the depths of despair.   But "redemption overflows" when prayers from those depths are answered.

- Allison

Hike to Bald Knob

This is one of our favorite hikes.  The last time we got to go on it was when my  seven year old was a new born.   

Bald knob trail at Mountain Lake goes straight up through a windy, and shady path, several fern forests, and some giant boulders you get to climb over.   We climbed up 1,000 ft in the half mile hike up.  

At the top of the hike you get a 180 view, hawks flying below you.  (Don't worry Grandparents, we never let go of their hands unless they were sitting well away from the edge.)

 We were surprised that Jonathan didn't just keep up, he kept ahead of us.

We don't go hiking as much as we used to (which was nearly every weekend back before we had kids and when we had a newborn)

Lately we only go about 4  times a year to easier, more level hikes.
A lot of the time we would have to turn back early because they would start whining or crying half way in.

But on this day with the kids so excited about climbing a mountain, we realized that we have raised hikers!

 Jonathan made this "Map to Anywhere"  to help us on the hike.
He made sure we stayed on course.

 We took Bald Knob Road back making a loop hike.  The road  was covered with wildflowers and butterflies (and two snails!).  The road is a more gradual descent so we don't hurt our knees(adults), or fall down the steep rocky path(kids).

 They had a great time our little mountain climbers!
We are so proud!

The Lake in May

We made it to the lake early this year, a couple of times before they opened.  We had it all to ourselves!  Even got to watch the park rangers pick up giant logs of driftwood as we swam.  

I realized this year that when Jonathan was asking to go to the beach any sandy body of water would suffice.

  Then I decided we should go to the lake more.  So this year we've been going to the Radford Library ( I love that place!) and then heading off to Claytor Lake which is 20 minutes south of there around 5pm with a dinner picnic in tow.  

 

 That's what it looks like to have the beach to yourself in May at sunset.

This is the beach at noon in June;

Still fun, but not as relaxing.

Let me know if you want to join in!
                                                      -Allison