The pool had just been put out on the deck. She was in her new swimsuit, with her new watershoes on. She and her little brother were laughing and splashing in the sun.
Then she found it. A leak in the bottom of the pool.
"THIS IS THE WORST DAY EV-ER!" She cried loud and then worked hard at keeping the pool full with her tears.
I called her inside, I teased, I coached,
She finally giggled then proceeded to go back outside.
She took one look at the pool , started thrashing around and shouting "WORST DAY EV-ER" all over again and vindictively splashed her brother.
When I called her in the second time and told her to sit and think about it on the mudroom (aka my pottery studio) step. She threw one of my tools angrily onto the floor.
That is the point where I lost my temper. It had been a week of tempers flaring for her, and irritation for me.
I disciplined while angry as I walked her to her room.
When she got there she started a new phrase;, "WORST MOMMY EV-ER!"
I was at the end of my rope, my senses, and my mind.
I thought why is she flying off the handle over such a little thing?
Then I remembered myself in an emotional rage at the same age and wondered, "How can I even help her? I did the same thing."
Luckily Ted walked in the room then from mowing the lawn. The poor tired man listened as I relayed the story. Then went to talk to Dorathea about self control and his love for her.
I sat tortured by the thought that her anger is all my fault. And maybe if I were a better child, or could figure out as an adult how to stop this cycle, I wouldn't be disciplining while in anger now.
And maybe I don't discipline her enough...
And maybe I don't love her enough while I discipline...
Then I saw a drawing that Jonathan had taped to the deck door this morning. It was a blue hole on a green rectangle.
I heard a rational voice in my head say, "She has a hole in her that only I can fill..."
"Stop trying to fill it yourself."
Dorathea is not broken, or depressed, or unrestrained and undisciplined.
And I am not these things and I wasn't as a child. I am and was very emotional. I feel a lot. I feel enough for everyone around me (and many times I know exactly what they are feeling too).
A little aside; I have four sisters and most of them are very sensitive in their own ways too. Their was so much EMOTION and Sensing of those emotions in my house growing up. "She's LOOKING at me like that again MOM!".
I clearly remember a night of crying, feeling so struck down and misunderstood at 13. I closed my eyes and listened to music letting the tears fall for hours, and praying , "If you're there God...I need you to love me." I saw a man with his arms outstretched welcoming me into them. Love and relief rushed in.
Many times this can pin me to my bed. Feeling so cast down with emotion. In the moments before He fills me with truth, I can feel like I'm in pain, like something is wrong with me.
But being emotionally sensitive is not a hole in my soul.
Sometimes even now when my feelings overwhelm me, my husband reminds me (as he ducks from whatever I am throwing his way) that it is a blessing and not a curse. "You pray for people before they tell you what is wrong because you can feel it, Allison."
He's right, just today I came home from a whimsical grocery shopping trip (I saved 30 percent!)
I was in domestic bliss.
When I walked in the door and greeted Ted I felt suddenly sad and tired. I thought "I was fine a second ago. I feel this way because something is up with Ted." I asked how he was feeling and he said, 'I'm afraid I am going to disappoint people with some things I'm working on.
God was telling me that I can't think I can fill all my child's needs. I can love her to my best ability but I can't fill the space He made in her heart for His love, she was made by God to be loved by God.
I cried when I realized that I should know this because my own super-emotional crisis's have been when I have yelled out to Him for help. When I have given over to Him the steering of my life. I knew my family and friends couldn't fill my need to be accepted and loved, because after they had tried and failed over and over again to make me feel loved I was still so shockingly empty.
So He answered by telling me that He could love me deeper than my need. One tear filled night in my teens I asked God, "If your there....please help me." It wasn't the first time I had cried out to him, but on the night I closed my eyes and saw Jesus with arms outstretched welcoming me into them, and for the first time in a long long time my heart was full.
When Ted came out of a long talk with Dorathea I asked him what he said to her.
He said, "She told me she was sorry for yelling at you, and I told her she needed to pray when she felt overwhelmed by her feelings. I told her God would understand and help her."
He said the same thing God said to me, There may be a hole in the bottom of the pool in this flawed world and in my heart made of flesh Only God has enough love to keep our pools filled.
- Allison
Then she found it. A leak in the bottom of the pool.
"THIS IS THE WORST DAY EV-ER!" She cried loud and then worked hard at keeping the pool full with her tears.
I called her inside, I teased, I coached,
She finally giggled then proceeded to go back outside.
She took one look at the pool , started thrashing around and shouting "WORST DAY EV-ER" all over again and vindictively splashed her brother.
When I called her in the second time and told her to sit and think about it on the mudroom (aka my pottery studio) step. She threw one of my tools angrily onto the floor.
That is the point where I lost my temper. It had been a week of tempers flaring for her, and irritation for me.
I disciplined while angry as I walked her to her room.
When she got there she started a new phrase;, "WORST MOMMY EV-ER!"
I was at the end of my rope, my senses, and my mind.
I thought why is she flying off the handle over such a little thing?
Then I remembered myself in an emotional rage at the same age and wondered, "How can I even help her? I did the same thing."
Luckily Ted walked in the room then from mowing the lawn. The poor tired man listened as I relayed the story. Then went to talk to Dorathea about self control and his love for her.
I sat tortured by the thought that her anger is all my fault. And maybe if I were a better child, or could figure out as an adult how to stop this cycle, I wouldn't be disciplining while in anger now.
And maybe I don't discipline her enough...
And maybe I don't love her enough while I discipline...
Then I saw a drawing that Jonathan had taped to the deck door this morning. It was a blue hole on a green rectangle.
I heard a rational voice in my head say, "She has a hole in her that only I can fill..."
"Stop trying to fill it yourself."
Dorathea is not broken, or depressed, or unrestrained and undisciplined.
And I am not these things and I wasn't as a child. I am and was very emotional. I feel a lot. I feel enough for everyone around me (and many times I know exactly what they are feeling too).
A little aside; I have four sisters and most of them are very sensitive in their own ways too. Their was so much EMOTION and Sensing of those emotions in my house growing up. "She's LOOKING at me like that again MOM!".
I clearly remember a night of crying, feeling so struck down and misunderstood at 13. I closed my eyes and listened to music letting the tears fall for hours, and praying , "If you're there God...I need you to love me." I saw a man with his arms outstretched welcoming me into them. Love and relief rushed in.
Many times this can pin me to my bed. Feeling so cast down with emotion. In the moments before He fills me with truth, I can feel like I'm in pain, like something is wrong with me.
But being emotionally sensitive is not a hole in my soul.
Sometimes even now when my feelings overwhelm me, my husband reminds me (as he ducks from whatever I am throwing his way) that it is a blessing and not a curse. "You pray for people before they tell you what is wrong because you can feel it, Allison."
He's right, just today I came home from a whimsical grocery shopping trip (I saved 30 percent!)
I was in domestic bliss.
When I walked in the door and greeted Ted I felt suddenly sad and tired. I thought "I was fine a second ago. I feel this way because something is up with Ted." I asked how he was feeling and he said, 'I'm afraid I am going to disappoint people with some things I'm working on.
God was telling me that I can't think I can fill all my child's needs. I can love her to my best ability but I can't fill the space He made in her heart for His love, she was made by God to be loved by God.
I cried when I realized that I should know this because my own super-emotional crisis's have been when I have yelled out to Him for help. When I have given over to Him the steering of my life. I knew my family and friends couldn't fill my need to be accepted and loved, because after they had tried and failed over and over again to make me feel loved I was still so shockingly empty.
So He answered by telling me that He could love me deeper than my need. One tear filled night in my teens I asked God, "If your there....please help me." It wasn't the first time I had cried out to him, but on the night I closed my eyes and saw Jesus with arms outstretched welcoming me into them, and for the first time in a long long time my heart was full.
When Ted came out of a long talk with Dorathea I asked him what he said to her.
He said, "She told me she was sorry for yelling at you, and I told her she needed to pray when she felt overwhelmed by her feelings. I told her God would understand and help her."
He said the same thing God said to me, There may be a hole in the bottom of the pool in this flawed world and in my heart made of flesh Only God has enough love to keep our pools filled.
"1From the depths of despair, O LORD,Like "Anne of Green Gables" some of us feel the depths of despair. But "redemption overflows" when prayers from those depths are answered.
I call for your help.
2Hear my cry, O Lord.
Pay attention to my prayer.
3LORD, if you kept a record of our sins,
who, O Lord, could ever survive?
4But you offer forgiveness,
that we might learn to fear you.
5I am counting on the LORD;
yes, I am counting on him.
I have put my hope in his word.
6I long for the Lord
more than sentries long for the dawn,
yes, more than sentries long for the dawn.
7O Israel, hope in the LORD;
for with the LORD there is unfailing love.
His redemption overflows." Psalm 130
- Allison
