What to do with a Daughter with Autism; How to talk to an Aspie Girl

We discovered this year our D is on the Autism Spectrum. The psycologist told  D has Asperger's Syndrome. He said it was a wonder she wasn't diagnosed long ago it was so apparent. Of course girls with Asperger have somewhat different characteristics then boys (D was a talker and an imaginative little girl from 1 year old) so girls are often diagnosed later than boys (usually around 10).

Were Ted and I upset? Actually I was so relieved and happy! I had been feeling like her struggles were due to my poor parenting. When I first read the traits of Asperger's girls  (affectionately called Aspies) it was like reading a novel about my daughter. I began to understand her better and I wanted to pass on some of the useful info onto you in case you are interested interacting with my rare species of Asperger Girl;

1. Empathy can be hard; I've seen D come off as mean girl or unkind. The truth is Asperger girls aren't as good as understanding other's emotions or how what she says or her body language is read by those around her. We work daily on learning how phrases and body language are interpreted by others. It just takes longer for my girl to learn how then say...anything else really, Latin, math, except maybe cleaning which leads me to,

2. Long term memory amazing, Short term not so much; "D please clean your room". Five seconds later she has no idea what I just asked her. And this just happened 20 times in a row. But she can tell you in detail what happened when she was a baby. Temple Grandin said in her autobiography this was true of her as well. Tip;if you ask D to do something don't be offended if you have to ask twice, or better yet write it down.

3. Sensitive to sounds (volume), smells, textures; Too many kids in a room and D will be driven up the wall. If there is a song she doesn't like playing in the background she won't be able to concentrate on anything else. If D looks confused while your talking you may want to ask her if something is distracting her. Florescent lights can drive her insane. Also if you hug or touch her when she's not expecting it she might flinch. I learned from her Psychologist that she actually feels pain when she is unexpectedly touched! Yesterday I went in for an unannounced hug and D jumped and said, "Don't hit me!". So I announced my need to hug her and she laughed and hugged back.

4. Having a two-way conversation is challenging. D has got a movie in her head of her fave things going all the time (Warriors books, Undertale, Electro-Swing music, Computers, her pet ducks and chickens). Ask her about those things and she will talk endlessly. Bring up your own topic of conversation and you will find she will move the conversation to talking about her favorite things very quickly.  But don't despair. As I was writing this D shared a tip about this;  if you introduce her to new info she might feign that she knows all about it, then secretly research it later. Or the opposite might happen; I was just given a homework assignment to read the first 3 chapters of a Warriors book last night because D was so wanted to talk to me about it. It is good for her to be redirected out of her interests though. I encourage you to try it's a fun game.

5. Don't give up! I am confident that my Aspie will grow up to be able to connect with others and be amazingly empathetic and kind to all. Temple Grandin said that social intelligence might come slowly to Autistic people, but it can still be learned.

When I prayed for little three year old D who couldn't play well with others in preschool, God told me that she would be behind kids her age socially for awhile but ahead with other things, and that she would eventually catch up. When I started working with Autism experts with D I found Asperger's Syndrome lined up with what he told me. It is not a handicap, it is a different way of experiencing the world.

Asperger's makes it hard for her many times as she is quirky and different. Her brain is actually just more developed in some areas and less in others. It is also a gift. My D is super creative, has been developing her own characters and imaginary world since she was two. She can memorize things long-term quickly. I am still uncovering her gifts (and occasionally challenges).  I hope you will join me. D's world is a vivid, sometimes perilous, always exciting place! Most of all she is worth getting to know. This is just the beginning of a beautiful life.

The first description of Asperger girls I read is here
A great scientific explanation here.
Also this has been a terrific help to parenting an aspie; https://www.aspergerexperts.com/
More useful info;

Mourning the Little Girl Who is Grows Up

I watched an ad for a twirly pink girl's dress that said, "Why not give her this while she's still little?" She's already too big for that dress I thought frowning. Flashes of  my little girl twirling in countless dresses, spinning and laughing fill my head. She's not little anymore I think. Sadness fills my throat. Those days are over I think, mourning the little girl she was.

These kinds of thoughts have been happening more often lately. My girl had a birthday last week. I didn't throw her a party this year for the first time ever, but she didn't mind, content with family, a few presents and a couple friends. I am proud of that maturity, but surprisingly I miss throwing her a fancy birthday party, with theme. "Those days are over" I thought. Yesterday I revealed to my husband that I was mourning the loss of those little girl birthdays. He looked straight at me and said, "But there is no loss in Christ. There are even better things ahead."

Then I saw the future; my girl growing in beauty inside and out. Her starting her own life with excitement and hope. Me getting to cheer her on and participate in any way she might need me. Her dad and I watching the story of her life unfold further and further as she becomes more independent and learns to love and be loved even more. Someday her life passing up the lives of my husband and I. As we pass on to the next world we will watch her from heaven, cheering her on, and her legacy. We will cheer from the vantage point of the perfect love and our home with God (not a bad seat to watch from). Then in a blink when my little girl's life is over we will all be together loving forever.

Doesn't sound like something to mourn does it?  I think I may have been making an idol of her childhood. Putting it on a pedestal as if those days are the best part of my life. Of course everyone says they are the best and are gone so soon. I capture photos so my children will always remember the story of thier childhoods. But if I stay mourning the little child and holding up those years as the "best of my life" can I fully value the young lady she is unfolding into? Also how can I move onto the new and exciting assignments in life ahead of ME?

She gave me the note above for Valentine's Day.  In those exhausting little girl days of wondering if I was doing it right or ruining her by doing it wrong I longed to know that she would grow into a relationship that she would like me have a friendship with me. And here I am my dreams coming true. So while I am thankful for the "little girl" I will not mourn her.  She is my daughter, she has grown into a young lady and will someday be a friend. There is no loss, only love.

-Allison

On the (sometimes lonley) road to Memory Masters

My kids are a bit...different. Of course we homeschool (read; not because we are in a religious cult or doing some social experiment on our kid. My two oldest just happen to be most able to learn at  home. More about that here.

Of course currently they could care less about sports, any kind of lessons, or clubs too. Sometimes this bothers me when I let fear creep in and tell me they are missing out. But they are geeky/creative and quirky, which of course they totally get from thier father. Sometimes being different means we are in our own world over here in Keys-land though and it does get lonely at times. 

Keys-land is not boring though. The kids are taking care of thier pets (currently a cat and four ducks), They love drawing, lego creating, writing songs, dancing, and of course the dreaded and highly controlled screen time; (they watch national geographic's animal jam, minecraft (we like skrafty!), lego shows, or youtube videos about these things) . And then thier are the other hybrids of those geeky creative interests (think making a video of your toys singing homeschool songs). Here is one they collaborated on.


They also love thier homeschooling class, Classical Conversations, on Thursdays. This class is a win win win for me because every Thursday they learn info in seven subjects from thier amazing tutors (Latin, English, Timeline, History, Science, Math and Geography). They also get to do a science and an art project every week (It is haaaard to teach music theory and do science projects at home!).You can see the video here!

Jonathan's artwork from Classical Conversation's Famous Artists class. He calls it "Jonathan Studies Flowers"

Also they have lunch with friends and then run around on the playground with them after class (sometimes for hours). Jonathan learned to ride a bike during this lunch time last fall.

A drawing of Asia by D. (influenced highly by her pet ducks). D and J draw creative versions of the geography to help them remember all the places. 

In keeping with our geeky/creative style, instead of  competing at sports and clubs this year D decided to try to earn the Memory Master title at Classical Conversations. To be a Memory Master she has to memorize ALL the over 500 pieces of memory work in Latin,Geography , Science, History, a history timeline, and Math. Here is a summary of each sentence or fact she has to learn to earn Memory Master;You can see her Geography reciting here.

We are in the home stretch and no matter if she makes it through the 4 two-hour reciting tests we are so proud of her. She and J have worked so hard! J can tell you the 3 laws of Thermodynamics, and Motion! Here he is reciting his favorite history sentence. But as they don't get to do these things in front of lots of smiling faces (just me and sometimes dad) I wanted to share these videos (like this one of D singing the Presidents, she cried when she first got it all the way through!)and hope you would help cheer us on. We are homeschooling our hearts out over hear in our little strange Keys world. Sometimes it gets a little lonely being quirky. Thanks!